


Beneath the Surface

by ChibiPanda



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Anxiety, Family, Friendship, Hurt/Comfort, Language
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-03
Updated: 2020-02-03
Packaged: 2021-02-28 04:34:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,027
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22537864
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChibiPanda/pseuds/ChibiPanda
Summary: "In retrospect, Hyunjin really should have known. All the signs and symptoms were there -- all of them. Except for this time he knew. He knew in intimate detail. Knew every facet of Jisung’s anxiety -- ever aspect he’d shared, and he’d shared a lot.Jisung was deep and thoughtful -- so many thoughts, ideas, and emotions hidden just under the surface, accessible in songs and when asked but otherwise toned down and painted with ease and happiness. Gifted."Hyunjin recognizes Jisung's anxiety and wants to help.
Comments: 6
Kudos: 150





	Beneath the Surface

**Author's Note:**

> Enjoy!!

In retrospect, it should have been very obvious to Hyunjin. He was observant, empathetic, and tried really really hard to know what was happening to his brothers. That had become a bit more challenging after Woojin pulled him aside -- a bit less focused and a bit more unsure.

He still should have noticed, or at least Hyunjin felt he should have. All of the signs had been there -- the seclusion, the fidgeting, the hiding, even the sudden silence and lack of color.

Hyunjin should have known Jisung was struggling with his anxiety. Really should have known, especially after the last time it really flared up.

That had been shortly after their debut and, as such, the first time Hyunjin actually saw the 3racha member truly anxious. He’d been caught entirely off guard.

*~*~*~*

Their friendship had still been new then -- genuine and good, but only a few weeks old. The whole thing had really taken Hyunjin by surprise -- though it clarified a lot of things that he had seen along the way.

They were traveling and it had been the first time Hyunjin and Jisung were rooming together (willingly). The two got along embarrassingly well. Each interaction made Hyunjin feel like a fool for fighting so long. 

That particular morning, Jisung had a meeting with Chan and Changbin so Hyunjin had been messing around with his phone in the empty hotel room until lunch. 

It was weird to see people talking about them on twitter, Hyunjin was thankful -- but he didn’t know why they already had fans. Well, it made sense to him that 3racha would. They’d been doing stuff. They were super talented and people knew about it. But the rest of them? Hell, some of them weren’t even going to be in the group up until a few months ago. Yet, plenty of people were already talking about them.

It was nice to read such sweet things and Hyunjin was excited to see so many people discussing their fan event -- first fan event -- tomorrow.

“Ji, have you looked online today?” Hyunjin questioned as the door to the hotel room swung open, “I think Chan-hyung might be right -- we might actually fill up that entire room. Our first meet and it might fill a room! Can you believe it? That’s nearly a hundred people,” he continued, not looking up, after he’d received a hum, “People are really excited, you know? And a lot of them want 3racha! Ji, you guys are basically already famous! I’ve even seen lots of English speaking fans. I’m so excited for out meet ~~”

“Yeah,”

Hyunjin glanced up at the curt response. He’d been expecting excitement, “Bad meeting?”

“What? Oh, no, just planning some stuff -- you’re right by the way. Chan-hyung says management is expecting one-hundred and three fans,”

“That’s amazing!”

“Yeah,”

There it was again. That almost uninterested, detached, dismissive sound.

Hyunjin’s phone distracted him from that weird sound, “Oh, yeah, so Seungminnie and Minho-hyung are heading down to lunch,” he was already pulling off his nightshirt, “You coming with us?”

“No. I’m gonna work on some stuff,”

By the time Hyunjin pulled his pants on, Jisung was already under the covers with his phone out, ”You sure? You slept through breakfast -- how about I bring you something?” Hyunjin was starting to feel uncomfortable by the limited responses he was getting. He couldn’t think of anything he’d done wrong or anything he might have said, but Jisung hadn’t been this standoffish since before they became friends.

“Yeah. Sure, I guess,”

“Alright… See you then,”

“Thanks…”

It was quiet, but it felt loud in the room and Hyunjin wasn’t sure if he was supposed to have heard it, “I’ll be back,”

Lunch was fun, Hyunjin quickly forgot the weirdness he’d left behind. Everyone except Jisung, Chan, and Changbin had shown up in the small hotel cafeteria. All of whom packed their plates full and gushed about their upcoming fan meet. Food was decent, the company was great, and Hyunjin was enjoying himself. At least until Felix innocently asked after Jisung.

“He’s mad at me, I think anyway,”

“What? No way,” Minho’s mouth wasn’t full, but it also clearly wasn’t empty either making the words sound oddly rounded, “You two are like a freaking puzzle! A cat with its nip -- a log and its fire --”

“I don’t like those analogies Hyung,”

Hyunjin’s protest was covered by Jeongin, “Wait? Who’s the catnip and who’s the fire? Jisung-hyung or Hyunjin-hyung?”

“We are _neither_ of those things!”

“Well, Sung is clearly the fire a hundred percent of the time,” Minho leaned back feigning concentration, “I’d say sixty-percent of the time Hyunjin is the nip -- though Sung’s a bad cat; total misrepresentation. Of that I’m certain,”

“I’m not grass --”

“Catnip is an herb,” Seungmin interjected nonchalantly.

“I don’t think Hyunjinnie is an herb --”

“Thank you Woojin-hyung!”

“But he’s definitely the log in that fire comparison,”

“That’s it! I’m done,”

The laughter was briefly broken by Felix, “But I thought Ji Ji was mad?”

“Angry Ji is better than your collective insanity!”

The exclamation only brought more laughter, which Hyunjin playfully rolled his eyes at before going back to the breakfast bar and filling a plate with some of Jisung’s favorites.

“Oh, you finished already?” Chan looked tired but also pleased, “Or -- you eating in the room?” he added glancing at the full plate.

Placing the tongs down, Hyunjin grabbed some silverware and spoke, “I am, but Ji didn’t wanna. So I figured I’d bring some to him.”

There was an odd flash of understanding across Chan’s face as he nodded, “good call. Bring water and message me if you need anything.”

“Yeah...okay, sure,” chan was halfway to the table before Hyunjin could question the odd statement. But Chan had said and done weirder things in the past, so Hyunjin pushed that aside.

He passed Changbin along the way -- the older rapper seemed less awake than Chan -- and one of the managers, before stopping outside the hotel room.

Irrational unease filled Hyunjin’s chest. He and Jisung were friends now -- that was certain -- so this whole thing was irrational. Even if Jisung was upset at him, it couldn’t last. It had to fix itself. It wouldn’t stay that way. They wouldn’t go back to their pre-debut stupidity.

Right?

Bracing himself -- pointless though that fear might be -- Hyunjin knocked as he pushed the heavy thing open, “Okay Jisungie, I brought some grub.”

The room was dark, curtains drawn all the lights off, even the nightlight had been unplugged.

“Ji? You sleeping?” the question seemed silly, as Hyunjin could hear Jisung’s wet uneven breathing -- frantic but also suddenly stiff and muffled by, what Hyunjin assumed, was a blanket, “Ji?”

“Yeah, sorry…”

Frowning, Hyunjin placed the food down on the dresser and attempted to switch the light sitting next to it on.

“Don’t!”

Hyunjin’s hand froze near the switch as the door to the hall clicked shut and the room reentered darkness, “Sung? What’s wrong? You sick?”

“Nothing. Nothing, so food?” the attempt to move the situation forward failed.

“Really -- Sungie what --”

“Nothing!”

The shout ricocheted off the solid door behind Hyunjin, and once it quieted he noticed the electric hum of the small refrigerator was silent too, “Sungie…”

“I’m just pathetic! Okay? Happy now?” this explosion was more fierce and lower in volume, “shit...I’m sorry.”

“No, hey wait -- what is this about?” even in the near-black room, Hyunjin could see the flash of panic and embarrassment on Jisung’s face, “What -- wait, I got water too -- drink that and then you can explain,” he clicked his phone screen, switching on the flashlight. He carefully grabbed the water he’d placed next to the food and slowly made his way across the room. The water was cold and it contrasted greatly with the flushed heat that radiated off of Jisung, “I guess Channie-hyung always knows best ~”

That joked worked some, Jisung scoffed lightly, taking ahold of the bottle, “Yeah...Chan-hyung knew, huh?”

“I don’t know, all he did was tell me to bring water and that we could message him,” Hyunjin frowned again hearing Jisung’s heavy sigh.

“That’s why he wanted to meet this morning…”

“Why?”

Jisung sighed again, “The fan meeting,” he said it plainly, as though it explained everything, “to make sure I’m up for it, I guess. But it’s the first...I have to be there, you know? So stupid…”

“Wait, what?” Hyunjin pushed away one of the pillows Jisung had surrounded himself with and sat down confused, “What do you mean ‘up for it?’ Are you sick?” the idea of any of them missing from an event -- let alone their first event -- was almost horrifying.

“Only in my head,” Jisung’s dark comment was clearly meant to be funny, but as the silence ticked on something clicked inside him, “Shit -- I… you… shit, I’m sorry! I should have -- I just didn’t -- I mean I --”

“Woah, hey you’re fine. Why are you apologizing,”

“No, I’m really sorry...I,” Jisung huffed frustratedly, “I get anxious -- like have anxiety...bad...like with people -- social anxiety -- bad -- and,” he paused trying to stop his panicked rambling; it failed, “I wasn’t trying to hide it from you, I swear!”

“Social anxiety?” for a second it made no sense to Hyunjin. Jisung was arguably the loudest most outgoing person Hyunjin knew. But it only took a second for that to dissipate, because Jisung wasn’t all that -- he could be, certainly, but Jisung was also the most introverted person Hyunjin knew. It explained more things than it confused. Especially looking back.

Hyunjin only really saw it a few times -- when he joined Chan’s group among them. When new people entered, Jisung almost instantly shut down. Not fully, he’d still talked and joked, but not freely. Until now, Hyunjin had assumed it was simply because Jisung didn’t like him -- but maybe it was less about Hyunjin and more about Jisung from the beginning.

“I really should have told you, but we were fighting and I just didn’t and now you’re probably mad and I’m really sorry!”

“I’m not mad at you,” Hyunjin jumped in, “not at all. I thought you were mad at me earlier honestly,”

Jisung flopped back down on the bed with a huff, “No. Sorry. I’ve been worried about the meet -- Chan-hyung knows, even got it so I never have to attend -- and then he wanted to make sure I knew the number of people we were expecting,” he brought his fists to his eyes angrily, “I _want_ to! You get that, yeah? I _want_ to...but it’s, ugh… Just thinking about it Hyunjin… like fuck,” the last part squeaked out, sounding as though it was forced through tight rubber, “I had a fucking anxiety attack just thinking about it,”

“Wait, what? When?” that was horrifying.

“After you left…” Jisung sounded ashamed, garbled behind his fists, “I just kept thinking about all those people and what they expect -- want -- hell deserve! I can’t give them that,”

“Okay breathe first,” Hyunjin crawled farther onto the bed, wedging himself between Jisung and the wall, “I’m sorry I left you alone. No, wait -- I am. But I’m here now. So talk to me, tell me how to help,”

“I just want to meet fans…” the statement was dry and weighed.

“How can I help that happen?” 

*~*~*~*

In retrospect, Hyunjin really should have known. All the signs and symptoms were there -- all of them. Except for this time he knew. He knew in intimate detail. Knew every facet of Jisung’s anxiety -- ever aspect he’d shared, and he’d shared a lot.

Jisung was deep and thoughtful -- so many thoughts, ideas, and emotions hidden just under the surface, accessible in songs and when asked but otherwise toned down and painted with ease and happiness. Gifted.

They’d talked recently, about all the changes, about Woojin, about Jisung’s added responsibilities, about Jisung’s flaring anxiety.

But Hyunjin had forgotten it. He had let his own worries overshadow that knowledge.

He should have seen it coming.

But no, Hyunjin once again proved himself a questionable friend. He didn’t even notice Jisung had left the stage until his part in the song came on.

He wasn’t alone, however, Hyunjin saw the confusion and worry reflected across other faces as well. Like them, he covered it quickly – on the outside.

Internally, his brain was screaming.

It felt like the song would never end. Each second only added to Hyunjin’s guilt. He not only didn’t notice Jisung’s discomfort during the meet, but he had also disregarded Jisung’s absence at the start – he’d even laughed at the suggestion Seungmin had given; not even questioning it.

When the song did finally end, they still had to say their goodbyes.

Once they were finally free, Hyunjin wanted to dash off stage – a feeling that was clearly shared by Felix and Changbin – but they lingered and waited, waving and smiling until every last fan left the venue.

Hyunjin wasn’t even the first off the stage; begrudgingly. Chan easily beat him there.

“Good job boys, I know it’s hard getting back into the swing of things, but you all did very well.” Their manager greeted them as they entered the small back room that was being used for hair and makeup.

“Thank you, Hyung,”

“Thanks…”

“Where’s Jisung?”

“How’s Jisung-hyung?”

“Is Sungie sick?”

Hyunjin let the others spring the questions, instead glancing around the room – ducking out moments later unnoticed. Jisung didn’t like unwanted attention; negative attention, stressful attention – so he’d of separated himself as best he could and hunkered down.

Hyunjin knew that and he was also sure the others would reach that revelation momentarily.

The hallway was dimly lit and empty. Most of the doors were locked and empty, and the few that opened – the nearby bathroom and closet – didn’t reveal any clues. Hyunjin almost gave up. But then he noticed the stairwell.

In contrast to the hallway, the stairwell was brightly lit from the bits of sun streaming in through the large windows. Jisung was squatted on the landing above.

“Hey Jinnie,” Jisung called out quietly, glancing up for a few beats before dropping his head back down, “sorry… I just couldn’t do it. I thought I could,” he sounded more frustrated than anything else, “I almost didn’t even come on the stage at all, you know? I came very close to just saying fuck it… But, with everything… I, you know, I can’t just bail. So I pushed it down as much as I could. But Jinnie, it just kept building. It just kept getting worse. I was losing it – I thought I would scream or faint. I don’t even know… I had to leave Jinnie… I’m so sorry.”

Hyunjin managed to suppress his sigh, “You had me worried Ji Ji,”

“Sorry,”

“You feeling any better now?” Hyunjin lowered himself down to the floor beside Jisung, who yet to look back up.

“Not really… I thought I’d got it under control before going out, but nope… It just felt like the world was ending and someone was pumping caffeine into my heart,” Jisung shuttered, vibrating against his tightly bound body, “That’s why I bailed…”

“How can I help?” The question sparked unexpected giggles, “What? Why are you laughing?”

“You always ask that,” Jisung uncurled slightly, a bit pale and shaky – jerky – but smiling slightly, “You always ask ‘how can I help’ and it’s nice. Especially, when you probably should just say ‘yo, Ji, get it together. You’re a freaking adult and are supposed to be a professional!’” He’d pitched his voice lower, clearly imitating someone – which bothered Hyunjin greatly, “but you don’t. You just ask how to help…”

“Who told you that?”

“It doesn’t matter, I’m just glad you don’t,”

“Was it one of the guys?”

“What!? No, of course not!”

“A manager?”

“Hyunjin – stop,” Jisung uncoiled more, plopping down beside Hyunjin and stretching out his legs, “I said it doesn’t matter,”

“Then you can tell me who it was,” Hyunjin wasn’t gonna back down, not this time, “Your parents?”

“No! Of course not,” Jisung seemed affronted for a split second before deflating, “I haven’t seen them recently… just a few times … It was that doctor I saw at first, when we debuted.”

“What?!”

“It doesn’t matter,” Jisung placated, “I don’t see the guy anymore, I told you. I stopped after only a few sessions.”

“Does Chan know?” Hyunjin had to ask. Chan was their leader, sure, but he was also a protector, and Jisung was his first member; he was important. On top of that, Chan was the one who had been the driving force in getting Jisung into seeing anyone at all – he’d fought for it.

“No! Of course, he doesn’t. I can’t do that to him Hyunjinnie. Besides, it’s fine. The lady I talk to now is super nice and helpful. Okay? See, no harm done.”

“I think there was plenty of harm done,” Hyunjin didn’t wait for a rebuttal, instead pulling Jisung into a tight hug, “So, helping?”

“You always do without really trying,” Jisung said through a snort, he’d settled down a great deal clearly exhausted from the event, “I might need to take Chan-hyung’s advice though…”

“Sit out an event or two?” Hyunjin was there when it had first been suggested – they all had really, well except Woojin… Jisung was adamant that it would never come to that.

_\--I’m not that weak Hyung. I promise—_

_\--It isn’t weakness Sungie and you know that. Right?—_

The defeated nod answered both Hyunjin’s current question and Chan’s previous one all at once, “Do you think it’ll help,”

“Maybe. I’d had it all worked out before. You know that. A whole system, but lately…”

“Then do it. Regroup. Stays will understand,” Hyunjin waited for an argument, but none came, “We should get back before Chan-hyung calls the police and reports you kidnapped,” that sent another wave of laughter through Jisung, “I also think you should tell Chan-hyung about that ‘doctor,’”

“No—”

“Cause that guy needs to be reported asap,” Hyunjin again brushed passed the protests and pulled Jisung to his feel, “come on, up you get,” he grabbed onto Jisung’s hand to pull him forward.

“Hey, Hyunjin? Thanks,” 

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading <3 <3 <3 Hopefully, it isn't too bad.
> 
> My schedule is going to change this month btw. I'll be starting a new job on the 17th -- currently, I do the majority of my writing during my off time at work. However, with this new job that will not be possible. So, things will likely be slower. I will try to stay on schedule though -- whatever that ends up being <3


End file.
